Let me make one thing perfectly clear. Female circumcision and male circumcision are exactly the same. Both female & male circumcision remove the protective & nerve-rich sheath covering the glans. They are called the clitoral hood, and foreskin, respectively. The place where most people trip up in this debate is that female circumcision is frequently lumped in with clitorectomy. They often go hand-in-hand, but they are not the same thing, and it would do wonders for intactivists to clarify the difference when they explain that male circumcision is equally as horrific and barbaric as female circumcision.

Clitorectomy is the amputation of the female glans. The big, mushroom-shaped knob on the end of a penis is the male glans. Amputation of the glans is a complication of circumcision, mostly in newborns. To say that the accidental amputation of the male glans is akin to clitorectomy is accurate, and should hopefully highlight the brutality of circumcision, as every parent who has their son circumcised puts him at risk of “accidental” penile amputation.

It is every person’s right to enjoy their genitals the way that they are. If this means that they have chosen to accept their circumcision that is their right. If a person has chosen to restore their foreskin/opt for reconstructive surgery, that is their right. The circumcision debate is not intended to belittle or degrade those who have been circumcised either by choice or by parental decree.

There are many – wide and varied – discussions, diagrams and lectures online about the function of the foreskin. I strongly recommend CIRP as a launch-pad for further reading.

As much as we would all love to have the perfect fuck buddy, it’s extraordinarily unlikely that any one person’s technique will match your particular quirks in all areas. As cloning is a long way from being perfected, and there is of course the ethical minefield of incest vs. masturbation to debate there, you are left with two options. Put up and shut up, or tell them about it in detail.

Whilst I am very strongly an advocate of communication in a relationship, I would strongly advise against telling someone how wrong their technique is while they’re doing it, as this may have the undesired effect of discouraging your partner from engaging in said activity with you.

The best time to discuss this is in a neutral bedroom setting. Sprawl out for some happy naked time without any overt obligation to sex. Bring up the topic of what you like and dislike. Be diplomatic, polite, and above all, care about your partner’s feelings. They will undoubtedly have a few quirks and preferences of their own that they will feel comfortable discussing with you if you bring this up nicely. Chances are this will end up being a show and tell session, and you’ll both gain some pleasure and new ideas out of the experience.

Be aware that not everyone is perfect, and that your lover may not be capable of doing just what you like in that one particular circumstance. People are fallible, and by interacting with people you are obliged to accept that. Treat your bed partner with dignity and respect, and keep the nagging to a minimum.

With the topic still fresh in my mind, I secured an interview with an asexual person, with the intent of clearing up any misconceptions. Please bear in mind that this is only one person’s experience of what it is to be an asexual person.

I understand that asexuality is as different from person to person as it is for any other sexuality. Would you please describe for me how you experience asexuality?

I experience asexuality as a lack of physical attraction. I simply lack the physical reaction that most seem to have when they find someone attractive. I wonder if it is a learned behaviour, or if it is somehow genetically inherent. I would appreciate more studies being done on asexuality so that it could be better understood, even if I did not like the results.

How did you come to realise that you were asexual, as opposed to ‘just not ready for that yet’?

There were several different steps for me. There was a time I remember in middle-school that is significant to me. My friend commented on the attractiveness of an individual’s ass. I spent much time pondering how an ass could de an object of attractiveness. In high school, I was the flower of a group of males, and yet not one produced any feeling of attraction. By then, I had my suspicions. But it was a college conversation that finally made me realize that for some reason of another, nothing ‘turns me on.’ It was then that I ran a last-ditch experiment and looked at porn of both sexes. I tried to ‘turn off’ all of my thoughts about such an act and let my feelings take over. There was nothing.

It’s a sex obsessed world out there. I should know, I’m a sex-blog columnist. What are the typical assumptions that you come up against when your sexuality comes up in conversation?

These days, I stay as quiet as possible about my sexuality and let friends make assumptions, because said conversations are prone to bring up a whole slew of issues that make people very defensive. I must say that I did not help things by assuming for a certain time that I was simply superior to sexual beings. There is, of course, a very old cultural assumption that virginity and non-sexuality are superior to sexuality, and I know I had been influenced by that opinion.

My least favourite assumption is that I have a ‘problem.’ I have had several frustrating conversations with friends on this point. It has been suggested that I go to an endocrinologist and see if my hormones were on the proper levels. Even if I do have low or different hormone levels, I do not see the problem with not becoming sexually aroused. If I did, I would go take libido-enhancing drugs, but I simply do not see it as a problem. I also dislike the assumption that I must have been sexually abused/am a lesbian/am too moral and thus am repressing my sexuality. All run-ins I have had with what would probably be sexually tense moments were in good, positive relationships. I simply found no inclination to make them sexual moments, and I believe ‘faking it’ for my partner would be very insulting.

If you chose to have children, how would you do so?

This is an interesting question. I have never had a great desire for children either, so I have no pondered this much. I would support adoption as the best policy in this over-crowded world. However, if I found my asexuality to be an evolutionary disadvantage I suppose I would find a willing sperm donor.

Do you desire, or have a romantic relationship?

I believe I have had a close ‘romantic’ relationship that was pulled apart by geography and sexuality. My partner was basically a very trusted friend who was allowed more physical liberties than most people. However, allowing said liberties of touching seemed to arouse him and would always spark a debate. I found it unfortunate that sexuality caused a rift between us that eventually became a physical one. I would enjoy finding another asexual person that was also compatible with me mentally so another relationship such as that one does not occur. I am hesitant to reach out to others due to the threat of sexuality and misplaced assumptions. I do not know how I will get beyond this and find a ‘romantic’ trusting relationship again.

What myths about asexuality would you like to dispel?

The myth that asexuality negatively impacts my life is my least favourite myth. Some people try to judge other decisions I have made with my life based on my asexuality and come to conclude that I am simply not experienced enough to know what I want. For instance, I have lived in the same area for much of my life and rarely do I long to leave the area in question. Many people connect these two choices, or stem that my asexuality somehow influences me to not leave my homeland. They see me as ‘inexperienced’ in as many ways as possible, and assume that I would be convinced that their worldly ways are better if I only I would give them a chance. They assume that perhaps my parents, who also live in the area, have an odd hold on me. In other words, one gets stereotyped as a virgin and a weirdo, and we all know how strong the virgin stereotype is in this society. I do not feel I should have to change myself simply to prove their assumptions wrong, just as a good feminist would not run out to get a job simply to avoid the stereotype of ‘house wife.’

What is your philosophy on orgasms and sex?

I am not crusading against sex with my personal choices. As a vegetarian, I often have to explain that I am not crusading against meat-eaters with my choices, either, and that I understand the complexity of the situation, as even I am not a pure vegan. That being said, I find it interesting that so much money and time is devoted to a few minutes of pseudo-pleasure. Orgasms are an intense reaction to stimuli that reminds me somewhat of the unpleasant sensation of panic. Mind you, this is just me philosophizing and trying my best to understand why a similar sensation (as I see it) is sought with such devotion. Of course, I also have come to understand that sex itself is not sought sometimes as much as arousal. Having never experienced arousal, judging people for their sexuality would be morally unjust. However, I do think there is something to abstaining from pleasures of all kinds for long-term gains. I would not tell a food-obsessed person to stop eating, or a drug obsessed person to stop taking drugs because it is heavily impacting their choices and their life. Thus I do not scold a sexually-obsessed person for their choices.

Is there anything you’d like to say that I haven’t covered in the above questions?

In the only large studies done about asexuality, it has been suggested that anywhere between one in ten and one in a hundred of the population is asexual. That is a large demographic of people that probably do as I am currently doing and allow assumptions to be made by others without dispelling their beliefs. It is somewhat like the common assumption that everybody loves chocolate and can’t get enough of it. When a person is encountered that does not care for chocolate, I find it interesting that people will react in the same way to that person as they do to me when I mention that I am asexual. Instantaneously, questions are asked: Are you lactose-intolerant? Are you on a diet? How could you not have a sweet tooth? I find this analogy to be the best way to introduce others to the concept of asexuality.

Asexuality can be very isolating and alienating, but it doesn’t need to be. There are support groups and networks available online and in the physical world. For real-world support, you should direct inquiries to your local sexual health clinic. Online, you could try AVEN, the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network.

There are two questions you should ask yourself before deciding to play. The first question is “If I were single, would I have a one-night-stand with this person?” If the answer is no, politely decline. If the answer is yes, move on to the second question “Would I date this person?” If the answer is no, go ahead and swing. If the answer is yes, politely decline, as you run the risk of becoming romantically involved with this person, which can potentially ruin your relationship, their relationship, or both. And that totally undermines the point of swinging.

The importance of good personal hygiene is sometimes overlooked in the throes of passion, and while there are some who are turned on by the funk of horny bed partner, most of us would prefer a clean playing field, as it were. One way to get around this is to invite everyone in for a group shower or spa, which doubles nicely as an ice-breaker and foreplay.

Communication is the cornerstone of having good clean fun with other people. This goes for all sexual relationships obviously, but it is especially important that before you play, you & your regular (that would be your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner) sit down and discuss what you are okay with doing, what you are okay with them doing, what you want to do and what you want them to do. This discussion should happen regularly, so that if anyone changes their mind about what they are & are not okay with, it doesn’t come as a shock to the lovely person or people who have agreed to join you in the bedroom.

It is strongly recommended that you always err on the side of caution when playing, and that the highest level of safety precautions be taken. For example, if three of you want to play bareback, and one of you insists on condoms & dams at all times, then when you four play together, you use condoms and dams at all times.

Always respect the wishes of other people. There are always good reasons for whatever their personal rules, desires, and wants are and it is obnoxious to ignore them.

If you do decide that the someone you hooked up with is not for you, simply state that you have changed your mind. Keep it simple, be polite and you’ll keep your new friends. Always remember it is fine to change your mind about your decision to play at any stage before or during the occasion, especially if a playmate is ignoring your wishes or is obviously causing their partner(s) distress.

In the end it is up to you what you do. If you play nice, and treat everyone with respect, dignity and a lovin’ heap of orgasms, you’ll get a good reputation & invitations to everyone’s parties. If you’re a jerk, you’ll soon find yourself jerking it into a dirty sock.

What you are looking for in a sex toy varies from person to person, yet these constants remain. Good workmanship, non-toxic materials, ease of cleaning, and, of course, value for money. And by that I mean how much fun you expect to get from it. After all, that’s the whole point of buying a new buzzy.

Good workmanship will show in the design. A good design will be ergonomic and aesthetically pleasant – it will fit well & look good. It will be easy to hold with slippery fingers, and just as easy to manipulate. Any rough edges will have been removed & signs of casting will not be immediately evident. You can pretty much guarantee that any tags or rough edges will inevitably catch, cut and collect, leaving the user open to infection, or at least a few days off from masturbation while the damn wound heals.

Durability and comfort are major concerns when choosing a new toy. A well-crafted toy will have a good, strong motor. Beware if you are advised to use cheap batteries for your toy as it will have a lower-quality motor. Be sure to test out the strength of the pulse, and the variations thereof. Does the strongest pulse excite you or leave you feeling a bit bored – or worse, numb? While your personal preference will vary, variety is a good thing, and you will want to get a toy with a motor that has a ‘strongest’ setting of about 2-3 degrees higher than you think you’d ever use.

Be aware of the ridges, bumps & irregularities on your prospective purchase. Run your fingers over them vigourously. Attempt to impact it on the web between your thumb and your forefinger. Imagine the pain in your genital region while you’re getting off. Take this into strong consideration before making your purchase.

As the consumer has become more aware of their right to have safe, healthy sex toys, certain manufacturers have been less than sincere with the labelling of the materials used in their product.

Non-toxic materials include high quality borosilicate glass, pure silicone, hard acrylic and surgical steel. These materials are also non-porous which makes them easy to clean hygienically. They also tend towards a neutral odour or no odour at all.

Toxic materials include cyberskin, certain synthetic polymers, and rubber jelly. Cyberskin is the soft “flesh-like” material that becomes filthy with minimal contact. It requires the use of talcum powder during storage. As research has shown a link between the use of talcum powder in the genital region and cervical cancer, cyberskin toys should probably remain novelty items & not be used for sexual gratification in a physical manner.

Rubber jelly feels slightly sticky, a bit wobbly and a little bit slimy. The smell is repulsive, so manufacturers tend to use strong scents to cover it. The scents they use are often just as toxic as the materials the toys are made of.

Also beware of “soft silicone” as it is often a blend. “Soft silicone” is not surgical grade silicone, and this will be reflected in the price and the odour. Pure silicone does not have an odour. If the product you are considering has a perfume, it is not 100% pure silicone, and therefore is not guaranteed to be non-toxic, nor non-porous.

As a consumer, it is in your best interests to get the shop assistant to demonstrate how to use the controls. Pay attention to the difficulties they have in manipulating the controls or the battery housing. Those difficulties will be worse if you have lubricant on your hands, so being able to change batteries mid-use will be difficult. If they will not demonstrate the product, walk out of the store & don’t spend your money there. It is better to buy from a reputable company online than to buy from a store without knowing what you are actually buying.

Be smart and informed and you’ll have a long, happy sex life.

“One of the things I wondered about was, should anything that isn’t silicone-based be avoided altogether? Especially jelly rubber – the things I read about it containing potentially harmful substances and being difficult to clean/disinfect didn’t sound good at all, but I’ve also read some good reviews about how it’s so very soft and would never feel irritating, so it made me wonder. (There were a couple vaginal ones available that seemed good judging by the descriptions, and I almost considered getting one later on when I feel like it, but the fact they were made of jelly rubber stopped me).”

That is what I would recommend. Many sex toys are basically made of toxic waste, which is why they are sold as ‘novelties’. I suspect this is a holdover from the mentality that masturbation is dirty and masturbators must be punished. It’s utter nonsense of course. In most cases, a healthy, active sex lifestyle is essential for your good health.

The care instructions for your toy should be simple. If they involve more than warm, soapy water or boiling in a pot, then it is likely that you will be unable to keep the toy hygienically clean.

Materials such as glass and hard acrylic are non-porous and therefore easy to clean, but they risk fracture during use which is very dangerous. High quality glass products cost a lot more than silicone toys and for good reason – glass manufacture is a skilled craft and it’s a dangerous substance to work with. The workmanship involved in making a high quality glass product justifies the price.

I would thoroughly recommend that certain materials – such as jelly rubber and cyber skin – be avoided altogether, as they are porous, which means that they are unable to be sterilised. What this means is that you will definitely get microbial growth on your sex toy. Whether this microbial growth is directly harmful to you or not will vary from circumstance to circumstance. So while there is a chance your toy will not habour any harmful bacteria or such, that isn’t a risk any sensible person would take, any more than one would risk eating the pizza that’s been sitting on the kitchen counter for three days.

Similarly, some materials can be actively harmful to you. A quick google with the safety switch off, obviously, will bring up an abundance of information about any given material. If you are completely unable to locate the information by conventional means, look for a material safety data sheet on the product, or write to the company and ask for one. If all else fails, find a different toy. It is in your best interests to know all you can about the long-term effects of a toy on your body.

If you do choose a toy of questionable materials, my recommendation is to treat it like the random stranger you picked up down at the pub, and always use a condom.

Upgrading is a rather pressing need, but how do you weigh out the pros and cons? Is durability more important than being able to get the bloody thing right now before you die of boredom? Or can you hold out that little bit longer by making do with the contents of your kitchen, to give yourself time to save up for something spectacular that’s going to last the distance?

Well, the answer is simple. You need to assess your needs, your wants, and use that to make the choice. Do your research. Obviously, online stores are not your first port of call if you’re in a hurry, but they do serve an important function: they will let you know, in a much more comfortable hurry, just what is available within your price range. Better to let your fingers do the walking than to run to your nearest sex shop and buy the first toy you find that could reasonably replace what you have.

Making an informed choice is important. What you do have access to on the web that you won’t have access to in the store is information about the safety & care of different sex toy materials. Before you go out & buy that cyberskin love glove, google it. Find out just how much maintenance is involved in your sex toy of choice. Find out what it’s made of. How to tell, for example, pure silicone from silicone mixes. Find out how much different stores in your area are charging, and if need be, go in armed & ready to haggle the price down.

In the end, it really is your own choice what you buy. Just remember, caveat emptor, so do your damned homework first!

After a rather crabby three hour shopping trip, we finally got to what would in fantasy be a wall of condoms, and what in reality is easily rivaled by the contents of our lucky dip at home. We chose four different types, to the amusement of our cashier, which was joined by a fifth – our old faithful – which will serve as a benchmark.

First off the ranks is Durex Pleasuremax, which explains that the 12 ribbed and studded condoms within are designed to maximise pleasure. This remains to be seen.

Second up is Ansell Lifestyles Vibe, which has a glow in the dark condom inside. Since glowing green things bring back happy memories of a youth misspent, into the trolley it went. Well, we’ve both wanted to try out the vibrating condom for a while now, but we’ve both been burned with Ansell products before. I guess we’ll take one for science.

Third up to bat is Legends Rubbers (I wish I was joking) in a limited edition pop-art decorated tin. These proclaim their vegan goodness, so you can probably convince your PETA girlfriend that she’s not really eating your meat.

Fourth to play is Manix King Size Ultra Thin. Guaranteed to be thrown into the trolley by husbands and boytoys alike, being marketed directly at their manhood like that. Let’s just say that I didn’t put this one in the trolley, and leave it at that, shall we?

And fifth is the control is Sax Regular, without which the scientific nature of this test would be in question. It is also our perennial favourite, and the condom to which all others are compared.

And the Results:

Sax Regular (The Control): These condoms are strong & resistant to tearing. They come with light lubrication, although more is required for best functionality. I found little discomfort with this brand and found that always a little more lube went a long way. Mr Science finds this condom comfortable & easy to use. The reservoir tip is of adequate size, and the lower band is snug without being overly constricting. Semen remains inside the condom before, during & after removal. These condoms tend to be more comfortable for a wide or thick penis. Slenderly-endowed men may find narrower-fit condoms to be a better fit for them.

Ansell Glow (And Vibe): The lubricant used on the condoms is horrible and irritates the skin. It is definitely not something you want near your tender bits without warning. The vibe is a great idea, but fails on the design. It really is a novelty item. The bullet sits in exactly the right place to hinder enthusiastic sex, which is a pity because if it was just that little bit wider, they’d be on to a winner. And the condoms themselves? Well, I didn’t like them ten years ago, and nothing has changed in a decade.

Legends Rubbers: Love the decorative case. Scratch that, I adore the decorative case. I’d buy it for the case alone. In fact I have several of them. Pity the condoms within aren’t up to scratch. They tend to run on the diminutive side, and the lubricant is rather greasy. Also they are rather thin, leading to quite a few moments of tension as hands reached down to make sure the condom still actually existed.

Manix King Size: Firstly, let me say one thing to Manix. LIARS! You’re a bunch of misleading, ego-pandering liars. The only thing “king size” about this condom is the purchaser’s ego. These suckers are smaller than the Legends, which defies imagination. And the smell? Oh gods, it’s vomitous, and clearly designed to disguise the smell of guys with poor genital hygiene. They tear if you look at them sideways. I used to say ‘if it’s not on, it’s not on!’ but in the case of this brand, I would say ‘How about no?’. Avoid at all costs.

Durex Pleasuremax: There is only one thing I really need to say about this condom: “Truth in advertising”. We have added them to the treasure trove. This brand’s a keeper. It has a good balance between thickness and strength. Comfortable & secure, they are a welcome addition to the stash.

Always experiment with condoms, and have at least three times as many as you think you will need. They need to be thrown out if they get put on inside-out, or if they slip off or feel baggy or constricting. Always remove all hand jewelry before applying a condom because jewelry can tear the condom, or worse – your lover’s genitals! Be sensible, use plenty of lube, and remember to have fun.

Most of you have heard of lingerie parties, and most likely have either been to one or know someone who has. And why not, they’re great fun. Sure, the mark-ups are horrendous, but you are paying for the privilege of making a day of it. The same thing can be done with many of your local sex stores. A vibe party is a great way to relax with friends & get acquainted with some fun & interesting buzzies without the pressure of the sex store environment.

If the party plan doesn’t suit you, you are probably nerving yourself up to a visit to a sex store. What you are looking for is something brightly lit & roomy with friendly staff who will hang back until you look a bit lost. Wait around in the car park for a good ten minutes before going in & watch both the front & back entrances, particularly the back entrance. That’s the entrance used by skeevy guys who are there for their weekly porn fix. There will be a couple of these guys on any given visit & that’s fine, but it’s time to hightail it for another store if there are more of them than you would feel comfortable shopping around. If one of them approaches you, go for the pepper spray, aiming at the groinal gap in his sweat-stained anorak.

Once inside, take a look around. Are there clearly defined areas, or are there high-end vibes mixed in with the hens’ party kits? Are there display models? Are the staff willing to take the toy out & show you how it works? Do you feel uncomfortable, threatened or squeamish in the shop? What you are looking for is a shop that makes you feel comfortable & welcome, and staff that know their stuff and are willing & able to help a girl out.

In the end you are shopping for a personal item. You wouldn’t buy lingerie from a poorly-lit, skeevy dive with creepy guys lurking in dark corners, and nor should you buy a sex toy in such an environment. You want to be happy & confident, and to leave with a smile on your face.